Stripper Heels And Butt Glue

So I got my posing suit and heels on Friday afternoon and I of course immediately tried them on.  The suit is slightly too big but I can work with that but the shoes were super small.  I used baby powder and shoved my feet into them.  I could sit without pain but the instant I stood up it was horrible.  I kept thinking if it were like this on stage I would never be able to smile and hold my poses.  I was a little freaked out.  Then my daughter Ellie came home and put them on and started to walk around the house (my husband remarked 'I thought it was my job to keep her off the pole' as she teetered by).  They actually looked like they fit her and she's ten years old.  When she took them off I looked at the bottom and they were a size 7.  I ordered a size 9, and that is a size bigger then I normally wear.  I figured that plastic doesn't stretch so better safe then sorry.

I spent then entire weekend going from porn shop to porn shop trying to find a pair of clear stripper heels.  Did you know that the strip club's retail stores open at 10:00am on Sunday morning?  Just in case you need a black lace teddy at that exact moment.  Nordstrom doesn't even open that early. The only shoes I could find looked like the above pictured shoe - 3" front platform/6 1/2" heel PLUS they only had mules.  In the unlikely event that you don't know what those are they look exactly like the posted picture - they have no back, just that little bit of plastic in the front - so the odds of falling have now increased even more.  I can walk in heels no problem so I did take a turn around the floor.  Very carefully.  Even the stripper/cashier/sale's assistant said she had twisted her ankle wearing that particular shoe.  The shoe I ordered looks like the one below except that they are an inch lower.

They have straps so they stay on your feet. I emailed the person who made my suit and sold me the heels and she didn't answer back.  I sent her two more emails, still no answer.  It's Monday and my competition is in six freakin' days so I am in panic mode.  I called her yesterday, she answered and said she had been on vacation but that she would express mail the correct size.  They are suppose to be here on Wednesday.  If they aren't here I will have to go back to the De Ja Vu Superstore and buy the 6 1/2" heels.  I won't have a choice.  The shoes are required.  I'm not joking.

Now for the suit.  The problem with it being a little big is that it slides around on your butt, if you know what I mean, so I need Bikini Bite which is the 'official' butt glue for competition.  I didn't order any because it never really worked for me before.  You can use hair spray too but I'm not sure if it will work on tanned skin.  I did email the tanning guys and they told me they have a spray that will work so that problem is now solved as well.  To prepare for the tanning session I need to exfoliate and moisturize daily. It's cool because they actually send you the products they want you to use pre-tan.  I used to tan myself because there was no spray tan available, it was just a paint.  Again, not kidding.  My husband would use a brush and I would stand on an old towel and he would paint me with tanner.  I could still do my own spray tan at a salon but I opted to pay the $100 to have them do it, plus they can cover my tattoos.  Used to be you couldn't have any tattoos to compete.  They have to be a little more lenient now because I read that 40% of the population has some sort of ink on their bodies.  I have three big ones and a bunch of small ones, which I won't cover.  The big ones are on my right arm, upper and lower back. It is very hard to see my bicep or tricep so covering the one on my arm is crucial. I also have to shave every last hair.  That includes arms, abs and lower back, if you have hair there.  I am shaving everyday to make sure I don't miss anything.  The hairs catch the light on stage and detract from what they want to see.

My current schedule is two more workouts tomorrow and Thursday, rest on Friday and then kick some ass on Saturday, hopefully.  I have absolutely no energy so the workouts are extra hard.  Tomorrow and Wednesday I will do high rep workouts and just try to slug through some cardio.  Less then 20 grams of carbohydrates until Friday.

I don't normally have food cravings, I don't have a sweet tooth, but I really want a hamburger.  And a drink.